Tag: imperfection

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What happens if I change this

Your perfectionism will not protect you (me)

I took my bike out on an unfamiliar route yesterday. I’d thought I had plotted out a *perfect* route to get to my destination—perfect being defined as completely safe and entirely removed from traffic. It didn’t quite work. There was an unexpectedly inaccessible green space, an unknown street where a known street should have (“should have”) been, and a major arterial route (with a separated bike lane, granted) I was not at all prepared for.

As my perfectly mapped out plan landed on a pile of countless discarded plans, I felt a very specific kind of emotion: the sadness of failed perfectionism, a tactic that did not deliver on its promise of safety.

(I looked to see if the Germans have a word for this; didn’t find one, so I used Google translate to come up with “Traurigkeit über gescheiterten Perfektionismus.”)

Planning was so much a part of my arsenal during a very chaotic childhood. I would write up timetables for my Lego schoolchildren as a way to bring order to my little world. I kept lists as a way of soothing my nervous system. Developing and re-developing routines provided me with gut-level comfort.

No matter how much I am able to show myself that this tool of comfort simply cannot keep me safe, I feel it still so much ingrained in me. The sadness I felt yesterday at a plan gone awry made me seriously wonder if I’ll be 87 years old, still tooling around with a core belief that, as long as I study options and plan meticulously, I can ensure my safety.

On the other hand, I have done such a good job of dispelling other perfectionist and harmful beliefs from my childhood, maybe this one little holdout isn’t the worst thing in the world.

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What happens if I change this

If the little things add up

My spouse and I took a nice long bike ride yesterday, enjoying the sunshine and changing fall colours. When we were close to home, riding along a main arterial road, my tire hit the side of a raised sewer cover while I was going probably 18 – 20 km/hour. This caused my bike to wobble madly, but I managed to stay upright, though, no worse for wear.

Still, it was a little scary, and for the following few seconds, I saw in my mind’s eye what could have happened on a different timeline: me, tumbling off my bike, skidding along the road, causing chaos and getting pretty hurt.

It made me think about all the other tiny non-incidents I’ve had on my bike, the ones that are so small you couldn’t really call them “close calls” but still feel, deep down, like a near-miss. The ones where pedestrians step into the bike lane while looking at their phones, so you have to shout, brake, and ring your bell all at the same time. The ones where a car turning left clearly did not see you until the last second. The time I was completely at fault, cutting off a cyclist sailing along behind me in a moment of just-not-thinking, and then being surprised he didn’t yell at me at all.

I am a very careful cyclist, and only ride on a very small number of routes. But I wonder if all these tiny moments somehow accumulate on a sort of karmic abacus. These non-incidents feel like bits of good luck that I am borrowing from a gratitude bank. Each moment is a tiny withdrawal that may add up, until something catastrophic happens one day when I’ll have to repay my debt.

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What happens if I change this

This is only interesting in retrospect

The mere fact of writing daily blog posts is pretty unremarkable when you’ve only been doing it for less than two weeks. I wonder when it will become notable. When I’ve been doing it for a year? I wonder if that’s when I will let people know it exists. Or will I wait for clear themes emerge? Or maybe when it coheres into something more purposeful? Oh, let’s be real—I really just want this to be the place where I park public thoughts. The moment it becomes “purposeful” is the moment I’ll entirely lose interest in doing it.

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What happens if I change this

october 7th

I’ve been trying all day, on and off, to write a post about Gaza and Israel. This is a piece I’ve been trying to write all year. I keep stopping myself from posting anything because I want it to be as precise as possible. But I also want it to be perfect, water tight, irrefutable, and that’s just never going to happen. I will keep chipping away at my wide ranging piece, which offers nothing new, but is an important encapsulation of my thoughts. It’s through the writing itself that my position becomes clear to me.

I will also add that I have started to add bedtime prayers to my evening routine for the very first time in my life. I don’t know if that would have come about at this time if I didn’t feel prompted by this horrible conflict. It’s hard to read news reports and see videos every day and not have it touch my spirit, day after day after day.

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What happens if I change this

life lessons from improv

Coming back home from improv today, I thought about how Zen the practice really is. In improv, everything is better if you:

  • be fully in the present moment
  • don’t try to control the situation or the other people
  • don’t get all up in your head
  • be honest & real (or “real”?)
  • allow vulnerability; be willing to be unarmed
  • work in service of the scene, not yourself
  • listen well
  • be with what is

Most of us know that “yes and” is improv’s signature line. I think what I learned today is that that’s not just about being open. It’s also about looking out for your fellow actors. When you “yes and” them, you’re receiving what they’re giving you.

I never thought improv could hold so many lessons about life.

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What happens if I change this

Becoming the person i always should have been

“Aging is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.”

—David Bowie

2024 has been a year whe I have re-connected with the person I used to be. It feels very much like this is the person I always should have been. Herewith are five things I loved as a kid that I have resumed doing as an adult:

  1. This summer, I picked up some alcohol-based markers after hearing about them on TikTok. Apparently they are more blendable than water-based markers? I don’t really know, since my technique still sucks, but damn, I am having fun with them. Most evenings, in that sliver between post-dinner kitchen cleanup and getting into bed, I break out my Coco Wyo colouring books, turn on Las Culturistas, and get lost in making something pretty. Soooooo satisfying. 9/10, highly recommend.
  2. A few weeks ago, I started improv classes, which I thought was going to be pure shits ‘n’ gigs. Turns out improv is far more intellectually stimulating than I’d imagined. The willingness to be vulnerable creates all kinds of beautiful analogues with mindfulness, self-trust, and a sort of Zen appreciation of the present moment. It’s quite extraordinary. Of course, there has to be at least one excruciating moment per class in which I judge the shit out of myself, so it’s not all prayer hands and enlightenment. On the other hand, giving yourself a weekly opportunity to intentionally be with what is very much feels like a spiritual practice. 10/10, highly recommend.
  3. Next, I signed up for Spanish lessons. But upon arriving at a classroom at my local high school for my first class, I discovered a) the temperature in the room was jacked to at least 25 degrees Celcius, and b) my fellow students were mostly men who were far more confident in their Spanish-speaking abilities than their actual skill level would suggest. Actual experience: 3/10. The pleasure of peace’ing out and getting a refund: 8/10.
  4. Swimming is one of those things I’ve always loved, so I’ve never minded that I was never all that great at it. But when I started going back to the pool in March, I discovered my front crawl was complete and total trash. Then I gave myself something called “swimmers knee” as a result of too much frog kick/whip kick, i.e. avoiding front crawl entirely. So I’m going back to the drawing board. So I’m starting a 4 week program in TOTAL IMMERSION swimming this week. It’s a technique that apparently has a bit of woo built in to its philosophy (there’s talk of becoming one with the water, for example), which I find appealing. Rating: TBD.
  5. Finally, the only reason why I’ve been able to become the cyclist I’ve always wanted to be is because I bought an e-assist bike. This magical invention allows me to power up hills, defeat barreling winds and just have way more fun in the saddle. And although the helmet does get in the way of the wind blowing through my hair, there are still wonderful opportunities to commune with nature on a bike. Just yesterday morning, I rode along a beautiful tree-lined trail while a sprinkle of raindrops cooled down my overheated perimenopausal body. I’m even experiencing anticipatory grief at having to put my bike away once the roads become icy. Finding my biking groove, finally, in my early 50s: 11/10, highly, highly recommended.

It has been absolutely wonderful to return to five four things I loved as a kid: making pretty things with paper, drama, learning a language, swimming and biking.

David Bowie was really on to something about this whole aging thing.